It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
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good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes