Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
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When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose