[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
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A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist