Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
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It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids