[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
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Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Love this guy
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Don’t make me out nice you.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.