Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
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5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral