Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
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Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib