what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
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Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Always 🥴
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
A small tragedy.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.