I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
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Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
you gotta be faster
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
My work here is don’t.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Free him
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time