[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
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Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Lmao
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Siri, fight Alexa.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.