Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
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Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
BRO LMFAO