Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
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I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
So sick of all these stupid rules
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information