HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
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You’ll be OK
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
meow
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread