[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
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Happy Taco Tuesday
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
That’s easy for you to say
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Oh boy, $150,000!
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”