Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
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Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
mom gave me mine for free
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.