As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
You Might Also Like
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless