Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
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someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
spicy snake
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.