Thursday
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ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!