What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
You Might Also Like
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Every BBC series about the universe.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.