I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
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ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Do not steal food from the science building!
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’