It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
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At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
what day is it?
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?