Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
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The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.