I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
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Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.