Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
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My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*