EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
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Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.