*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
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Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking