I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
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*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great