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Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Well. That’s not a good sign.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods