are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
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HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
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You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Love is always patient and kind.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS