It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
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“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you