Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
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Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch