*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
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Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Growing up was a huge mistake
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.