I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
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Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
what it’s like dating me:
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.