Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
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The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Goodnight 🐶
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.