I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
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going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*