[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
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To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
No way!
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.