I feel like one of these would kill a European
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Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.