“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
You Might Also Like
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Trying
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.