IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
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oh sorry i cant im busy that day
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
I think I’ll stand
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.