[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
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My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
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18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.