food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
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My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.