Webb. James Webb.
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My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
technically true but not a great slogan