OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
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Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit