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Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle