That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
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Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill