Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
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Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Can. I. Help. You.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.