Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
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I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
My current situation
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT