OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
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Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
A man of commitment.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you