Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
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FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
quarantine day 3
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Gemma Correll
when the buffet is more honest than your date