At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
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“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
A new level of troll.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.